Sirius' Seventh Year
by Way Worse Than Scottish
Summary: The tales of a young Sirius pranking and dating everyone in sight. So what, he has no life plans, doesn't mean he can't have the most fun in seventh year before everyone leaves him behind. Rated T for swearing like a sailor (come on, it's James and Sirius in 7th year, they're not gonna say "what the poop?") No specific pairing; Sirius dates a lot of unnamed people.
1. Chapter 1

O0o0oo00oo0oo

Sirius smiled to himself as he fell back to sleep. This prank was _so_ worth it. Sure, he was probably gonna get a face full of dung in the end, but still. He made sure he had on enough clothes to get by for the next day, 'cause there was _no _way he was getting into his dorm after this prank.

Oo00oo0o00o0

"SIRIUS!" a loud voice woke him up. Ah, his prank had been delivered. Perfect. He grabbed his wand from under his pillow, casting a bubble-headed charm. The stench was horrendous.

He casually got out of his bed, sliding the curtain and sauntered over to his dorm-mates.

"What?" he asked, as nonchalantly as possible.

"_Please_ tell me this isn't real dogshit on my bed!" James begged.

Sirius shrugged. "The dog within me had an urge." Merlin, this was fun.

"SIRIUS YOU LITTLE-" James came over with raised fists and he narrowly avoided getting punched. Jeez, well _he _thought it was hilarious.

He scampered out of the room, quickly chased by his best mate. Yeah, totally worth it. Still, he was surprised that James hadn't launched the turd at him.

"Hello, ladies," he winked at a couple of fifth year Gryffindor girls as he swung over the banister and ran across the common room. The girls giggled and gossiped to each other in hushed tones. It wasn't a rare sight to see someone chasing after Sirius, whether literally or romantically, or both.

"SIRIUS, COME BACK HERE YOU BLOODY COWARD!"

"Sweetie, I think you need to take some anger management lessons!" he called out behind him, jumping quickly through the portrait hole, disturbing the fat lady from her snooze.

"Young man, I expect an apology before you'll ever cross me again!" the portrait warned. He grinned charmingly back at her, and she blushed, coquettishly hiding behind her fan.

Rushing down the stairs, he skipped the trip stairs with astonishing ease, after all, he _had _had almost seven years of practice, both avoiding _and_ causing others to trip on them.

"Mate, ya might want to put on your shirt!" he said between barks of laughter. James was still _ages _behind him. Honestly, Sirius didn't know how James was a Chaser; he could never catch him.

"I _would_ if it didn't HAVE DOGSHIT ALL OVER IT, DAMN YOU, PADFOOT!" James yelled from the hole in the portrait, out of breath. So out of shape, Sirius shook his head. He felt sorry for Lily, having a boyfriend with such poor stamina.

"Mate!" Sirius called out, "That wasn't dog shit!" barking another laugh; he raced to the bottom of the stairs and made sure to hide for the rest of the day. Thank Merlin he had decided to implement his prank on Friday night. He had the entire weekend for his hot-headed friend to cool down, _and _he didn't need to go to the same classes.

See, most people would say he's a prat for doing something like this (or maybe a stronger word… cock, wanker, git, etc.) but they just didn't get it. He didn't play pranks on James to be a git; he did them for attention.

Wormtail wasn't fun to prank anymore (after Sirius had come to realize that it was unfair, and Wormtail acted like a victim and became legitimately _afraid of him, _which was so wrong and Sirius felt very uncomfortable about it afterwards) and was content to hang around just about anyone who seemed cocky and powerful.

Remus, of course, was out of bounds (ever since that one incident in fourth year—Sirius _had _apologized, like _four_ times, and even made Remus some brownies! Still, apparently really bad things would happen if you messed with a werewolf) but Sirius didn't really need his attention anyway. Remus could be perfectly content studying and reading all day without any company, but it drove Sirius bloody _mad._ Which is why he'd come to rely on James for entertainment. Until he'd found a bloody _girlfriend._

It wasn't that he had anything against Lily; she was fine, if a little quick to anger, unforgiving and rather uptight. Actually, yeah, Sirius didn't really see what James saw in her, but that's not the point. _The point is_ it'd been _ages_ since he and James got up to no good. He and James were like two sides of a good-looking coin; they matched each other perfectly and, as a pair, they were worth _so much more_.

And to be honest, Sirius was scared out of his bloody mind for the future. Remus would go off and be an amazing whatever he wanted to be, Wormy would… do something or other, James would be a fantastic Auror, and Lily was going to be a healer of some sort. They all had their life plans, and Sirius was left in the corner, forgotten. Who could blame him for wanting to have the most fun with his friends before they left him forever?

And Sirius would probably stick with James, and become an Auror too. It didn't seem half bad, mind you, he would have preferred opening a joke shop, but seeing as he had no money (being cast out from your family would do that) and the economy kind of sucked (well it wasn't _his _fault that an evil dark lord was in the midst of his reign of terror) it seemed unlikely he'd ever reach his dream. And being an Auror with James was the only way to stay close to him. 'Cause _obviously_ James and Lily were gonna get married. It was guaranteed. James declared it himself back in first year, and he could be rather stubborn.

Ah well. Best keep his mind off all that sad stuff. And he didn't even wanna get _into_ how to repay James' parents for letting him stay with them, and funding the rest of his school career and early adulthood.

Right, where was that bloody git Snivellus when you needed him? He was always good for a distraction.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: this will be a slow updating fic, expect random one month hiatuses or multiple updates in a week, this fic is my side project and great for a distraction from the huge monstrosity I'm currently working on. Continuity might be a little strange because of it.

O00oo00o0o0oo00o

James wasn't playing along. It was annoying! Dear Godric, how was Sirius supposed to get attention when James was being all forgiving and shite? He wanted a _prank war_ with James, not this bloody compassionate crap being spewed by his bespectacled friend.

Hmmm… what else could get his attention? It couldn't be over the top yet, but likewise it couldn't be lame. It had to hold up to Marauders expectations.

Perhaps he'd been too… personal and private with the shit on the bed prank. No, he needed something better. Not necessarily bigger, but maybe something more public? How 'bout the Great Hall? Nah, that was _way _too public. How 'bout Transfiguration class, then? Yeah, that seemed perfect.

Sirius didn't want to escalate things too quickly… it needed slow build up. His brown eyes lit up as a half-brained idea came to be. Oh yes, this was going down in the history books.

Oo00o0ooo0oo0o

Right, it was time to do the prank. Well, it wasn't so much a prank, as embarrassing the _shit_ out of James. He had made sure to sit in the centre of class with his best bud; pulling the reluctant Gryffindor from his girlfriend had been hard enough.

Thank the stars that Sirius had no shame about his… assets.

Perfect! McGonagall had left the class to go check out some shenanigans in the corridor.

Inconspicuously, he cast a sound muffling charm.

"HEY LILY!" he hollered, standing on the stool then taking a step up to stand on the table. He yanked off his school robes, whipped out his prick and peed on James.

"Dude, what the hell?" he said, utterly bewildered and uncomfortably damp. James was in shock.

"LILY YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM I MARKED HIM AS MINE!" he said at the top of his lungs.

Lily's expression could only be described as… disgusted. Perhaps even revolted.

"BlooDY HELL SIRIUS WHAT THE IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK!?" the messy haired boy yelled.

Sirius shrugged. "I had an urge to mark my territory."

"I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO MARK SOMETHING YOU PIECE OF-"

"Mister Potter!" McGonagall said brusquely across the room. "Watch your language! And _what_," she asked, her nose upturned. "Is that ghastly smell? Sirius, what did you do?!"

"Professor, I'd love to explain, but I've got to dash," he said behind his back, grinning. He scooped up his school bag and sauntered out of the classroom.

"PADFOOT YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!"

"I can't hear you!" Sirius sung out cockily.

O00o0o0o

James probably thought he was safe for the rest of the day.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Sirius had cast a concealing charm, and James was too trusting to cast 'Revelio' every time he opened a door. How utterly naïve of him.

He had done a bit of research for this charm. It was applied to James' glasses, so only _James_ would be affected, and when he started to complain, everyone would think he was insane. Mind you, the spell only lasted a couple hours, but that was plenty of time.

It was a slow build up, too. First, a couple words James would read would be written, literally, in Greek. Of course, James had lived a privileged childhood; the only son of a wealthy pureblood family would do that. This was why Sirius chose Greek. Most pureblood children learned Latin, English, French, perhaps a bit of German, but it was rare to speak the Hellenic language.

It started off in Potions class. "Hey, Moony," James whispered. "What's the word after 'newt'? It looks… I dunno, what is it? What does 'μάτια' mean?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Um, you mean 'eyes'? Maybe your prescription is off?"

James shrugged. He had been _certain_ that it hadn't said 'eyes'. He reckoned it was probably just Slughorn using big words to try and confuse the 7th years.

A few minutes later he nudged Remus again.

"Moony?"

"Yes, James," Remus said, cutting lacewing flies delicately.

"What's the line after 'lacewing flies' say? It looks so weird… what was the homework I missed about? 'Cause I'm sure I didn't miss _that _much… at least I don't think," James bit his lip. "I can't even make it out, mate."

Remus sighed and put down his knife. "It says three quarts of boomslang skin. It's plain English, I don't see the problem. Do you want me to make your entire potion for you, too? Maybe even label it for you, and hand it in as well?"

This went on for a couple minutes, with Remus growing more and more irritated. "Ask someone else, 'cause I bloody don't care about your optical issues."

James knew when to ease off Remus, and it was looking like Moony was about to explode. Which was never a good thing. Moony could be pretty scary if he wanted to be. "Fine, I'll just ask Wormtail," he groused to himself.

"Wormy," James said in a polite tone, "Mind reading out the last line on the board?"

"Why don't I just write it down for you?" Peter said with a nervous smile, quickly jotting down the last couple lines. "Need anything else, Ja- er.. um, Prongs?"

"Nah, thanks mate," he answered, taking the proffered parchment. He squinted down at the parchment and groaned. "Wormy, you've gotta get better at writing! I can't read your bloody chicken scratch, mate. This is ridiculous! Hey, Lily!" he called over.

"What?" she asked, absentmindedly tucking her hair away as she stirred the cauldron in front of her.

"Can you read the last line of the ingredients for me?" he asked sweetly.

"You're perfectly capable of doing it yourself," she said haughtily. "Just because we're dating, doesn't mean I'll do everything for you."

"Evans," he whined.

"I'll have none of it, Potter!" she said swottily.

"Maybe it's my damn glasses," he took them off and looked down at them.

Now, of course, Sirius had no intention of being subtle. As soon as the glasses were taken off, it'd reveal his name in bold letters and a smiley face. Totally worth it.

"SIRIUS!"


End file.
